by Jim Davis and The Rev. Dan Roblng
According to psychotherapist and author Miriam Greenspan, “Grief, fear and despair are the emotions we humans find most disturbing --- and they are the most likely to get us into trouble when we ignore them. I call them the dark emotions, not because they are negative but because they are painful, and because our culture tends to shame, silence, devalue and deny them.”
Grief is the painful emotional state that occurs following the death or loss (permanent absence) of a close friend or family member. As human beings, close relationships regulate our physical and psychological well-being. In other words, our relationships can affect our bodies as well as our minds. Therefore, when someone close to us dies or is lost, both our bodies and minds react to the loss as a threat. Grief is the natural way of coping with this threat. The grieving process helps us to adjust to life without the person who died.
While grief is not the same for every person, there are certain things that most grieving people have in common. During a grieving period, the bereaved person is often preoccupied with the deceased, often yearning, longing and searching for him or her. Many grieving people also experience a host of painful emotions that can sometimes be very strong and persistent. While grieving, most people withdraw from the world and turn inward. Although these experiences - preoccupation, social withdrawal and even the painful emotions – are difficult, their purpose is to make a transition to life without the friend or family member. As this transition progresses, the intensity of grief subsides.
Strong feelings of sadness and loneliness almost always occur following the death of a close friend or family member. Fear and anxiety are also common since death is frightening to many people. A lot of people also experience feelings of resentment, anger, and guilt. Experiencing any and/or all of these emotions following the death of a friend or family member is perfectly normal. However, some people find that these feelings are very strong and/or persistent, and are accompanied by certain types of disturbing ideas that seem to inhibit the natural process of gradual diminishing grief intensity. Another way of saying this is that the bereaved person becomes "stuck" in the grieving process and grief intensity remains high. When this happens the bereaved person, in a sense, loses their own life as well as that of the person who died.
Grief is serious business and should be addressed as such, both physically and spiritually. The Walking the Mourner’s Path program assists persons in grief to find courage and comfort in their life and helps them begin their journey of healing. More importantly, it teaches that the consuming sorrow of grief can be healed through the abundant Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Grief is a traumatic and disruptive experience. We spend most of our lives preparing to live. Most of us do very little towards preparing to die or to deal with death when it occurs for someone for whom we care. The lack of preparation and understanding of the grieving process can make this traumatic experience worse than it has to be.
For those of faith, this life is said to be preparation for a greater life to come. We say that the next life will be better and more satisfying. Have you ever wondered why people of faith often grieve so deeply if they really believe their loved one has gone to a better place? Have you personally experienced intense grief over the loss of someone you know is better off and wondered why? Did this uncertainty cause you to question your faith? In the absence of knowledge about the grief process, we most often ask perplexing questions and are frustrated with the lack of or inadequacy of the answers provided by well meaning people around us.
Once we get past the inevitable denial stage, our natural inclination is to ask, "Why?" Why me? Why my loved one? It isn't fair so why did it happen? Dwelling on the “why” questions usually only serves to increase our frustration and despair. There is often no adequate answer available in earthly terms for this theological, philosophical, and practical question. Many well-intended answers are offered by friends as reasons but they always leave some element of the question lingering. It is best to accept the fact that the answers will come for those of faith, but not during this earthly life.
Perhaps a significant portion of the grieving we go through is not because of the loss through death of the one we care about. It may be more for a death of part of who we are. When we lose someone close to us we often feel as though we have lost part of who we are and we suddenly feel as though, even if subconsciously, that we will never again be who we were before. We are frightened to become who we are about to become because we don't know how to be that new person. Without realizing it, we may be grieving for our selves as we were, not realizing this can make dealing with our situation extremely difficult.
Our faith can and must play a crucial role in the grief healing process. We must be patient and find solace in knowing that God will lead us and give us the strength to live our lives differently than before. And further, that as our life is changing we can learn to live, laugh, and enjoy life again. Certainly it is not intended to mean that the process is painless, but that we have help available and there is hope for a brighter day. It helps to understand what is going on in our hearts, why we are feeling what we are feeling. With that realization it can be easier for our faith and the love of caring friends to help us return to the joys of living.
Grief is immediate. Mourning lasts forever. Whether the pain we are feeling is from the death of a loved one three months ago or fifty years ago, Walking the Mourner’s Path can help us embrace Christ’s promises of comfort and healing.